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Jul. 13th, 2002 12:20 amUnwanted -- live my life a shame
Who's to blame for my mistakes?
Well I don't know why I believe in the truth, from inside,
Go away from me, leave me alone
-- Puddle of Mudd
I ate at my favorite South African restaurant tonight, absolutely stuffed with customers. The doors were wide open and the warm and humid presence of an Atlanta summer filled the lounge when the home country itself suffers the bony death-grip of the opposite season.
Eight days, 4500 miles (7200 km) round trip, two countries, three climates. I'm over being sick, I'm not sure I'm over the primal trauma of continental displacement. My contact lenses are gritty with the dust of far-flung places man was never built to experience in periods of a mere few hours. And yet, the thrill of travel and just plain uniqueness is present -- something in my genome loves it.
I love the biz as well, God help me I love it. There are reasons...and yet, I cannot articulate them, though I've tried at least four times in this single paragraph alone.
Subject change.
So, there's this woman. She's something of a local regular at a neighborhood bar in which I'm something of a local regular. There are similar interests, similar life experiences. Similar ages, similar levels of emotional maturity. I'm feeling just the barest hint of a spark.
That spark is something significant. It's been just over a year since my marriage ended, and in that time, though I've had some amazingly special and deep relationships...there have been no sparks. On some level I've worried that there may never be sparks in my life again. I'm strangely optimistic these days about soulmates. You'd think that a failed marriage would kill that in me, turn me cynical toward the potential of lifelong relationships. It hasn't -- a seven to eight year relationship failed in my life, but it only reinforced the fact that maybe that one wasn't right, that there may be one (or more) other potentials out there that may really be....
You know.
The problem was, the optimism about soulmates was purely a theoretical exercise. My spark-O-meter has been very quiet in practice. Even in relationships where I've wondered if, during other periods of my life, sparks might have been there. Was I ignoring them? Was I stuck in some sort of traumatic emotional asbestos? I don't know.
What is the most important (timing) factor in relationships?
That displacement may be where I have been. But, perhaps, not as much anymore. I don't know if anything will ever happen between this other and myself. But I'm savoring the spark.
Who's to blame for my mistakes?
Well I don't know why I believe in the truth, from inside,
Go away from me, leave me alone
-- Puddle of Mudd
I ate at my favorite South African restaurant tonight, absolutely stuffed with customers. The doors were wide open and the warm and humid presence of an Atlanta summer filled the lounge when the home country itself suffers the bony death-grip of the opposite season.
Eight days, 4500 miles (7200 km) round trip, two countries, three climates. I'm over being sick, I'm not sure I'm over the primal trauma of continental displacement. My contact lenses are gritty with the dust of far-flung places man was never built to experience in periods of a mere few hours. And yet, the thrill of travel and just plain uniqueness is present -- something in my genome loves it.
I love the biz as well, God help me I love it. There are reasons...and yet, I cannot articulate them, though I've tried at least four times in this single paragraph alone.
Subject change.
So, there's this woman. She's something of a local regular at a neighborhood bar in which I'm something of a local regular. There are similar interests, similar life experiences. Similar ages, similar levels of emotional maturity. I'm feeling just the barest hint of a spark.
That spark is something significant. It's been just over a year since my marriage ended, and in that time, though I've had some amazingly special and deep relationships...there have been no sparks. On some level I've worried that there may never be sparks in my life again. I'm strangely optimistic these days about soulmates. You'd think that a failed marriage would kill that in me, turn me cynical toward the potential of lifelong relationships. It hasn't -- a seven to eight year relationship failed in my life, but it only reinforced the fact that maybe that one wasn't right, that there may be one (or more) other potentials out there that may really be....
You know.
The problem was, the optimism about soulmates was purely a theoretical exercise. My spark-O-meter has been very quiet in practice. Even in relationships where I've wondered if, during other periods of my life, sparks might have been there. Was I ignoring them? Was I stuck in some sort of traumatic emotional asbestos? I don't know.
What is the most important (timing) factor in relationships?
That displacement may be where I have been. But, perhaps, not as much anymore. I don't know if anything will ever happen between this other and myself. But I'm savoring the spark.
